One thing I wish to add,Dec.23,2011..I don't want it to be misunderstood ,yes it is all abuse and no love.Unwanted,a throw away (feeling)The most important part of this blog...is how God taught me all things.Brought me through everything.When I felt all alone,nobody around..there was God.Always there with me.
How I shared,children were seen and not heard.We could ask questions all day long and never be acknowledged or ever get an answer.How strong the inward Knowledge was from God,how strong His love and Holy Presence was.Even tho the flesh felt left out,unwanted,I had all the Love of the Father within me.I was always in the know..always had answers,always was taught right from wrong!!
There really is nothing at all I could ever give to Him in return.But my life,my heart,soul & mind.To belong to Him 100%
When times come along where I begin to feel lonely,maybe I would like a companion,a coffee pal..I know instantly in my soul, "I am right here with you.You are not ever alone.I will not ever leave you or forsake you....Don't I give you all the strength that you need for groceries,laiundry etc.Everything,I supply all of your needs....I feel that God wants me all to Himself.As anybody I ever was with,passed on.
Physically ,it is a lonely place,spiritually I am filled beyond all joy. Joan Rogers
Monday, June 6, 2011
........This song,To Sir With Love,from the movie "To Sir With Love" My Absolute favorite Movie and of course the song ,holds a dear Place in my heart.
.....***.God is saying ,not to go back to those rooms of my past life.He is saying,it is ok to remember from where He has brought me from,but do not go there.
***** Every now and then Father God has a way to get us back in Him to where we belong,in this case,a brother in Christ mentioned about my favorite movie being "To Sir With Love" (on my profile)...that is all it took...for God to get my full attention,and to draw me back unto Him,...I sobbed as I heard the song, so I needed to ask God why? Haha,how I love Father God!;
...as time steals;errands,family,friends etc.Father God never lets me go!!! I love you Father God.
****Father God is a very jealous God,and I am thankful that He is in control of me.So, This is a brief look into my childhood,just so you can understand ,why I love the movie and the song "To Sir (God) With Love"
...and you will see,it is not sinful...God has ways to reach us,even if it means taking us to the wood shed again,He gets our full attention.!!!(or a song from our past!!)
....... many hold this movie and song in their hearts,seems in similar ways.
........I was raised by my Grandmother (Father's Mother) and Aunt. My Brother and I. Our Father took us away from our Mother,a dear sweet ,kind and wonderful woman,and we were not ever allowed to see her,(from ages 2 & 4)(we cried ourselves to sleep every night. we would sneak to see our Mother as we got older.
.......Our Mother came one Christmas with a car load of Christmas presents..and they would not allow her to come in nor to give us the gifts....
.......I recall another time, I was maybe 3 yrs old..my mother coming down the street to see us, I was jumping up and down so excited.."here comes my Mommy" my grandmother said,she 's not Mommy it is Eva...I said,no, it is my Mommy, I ran into her arms,only to be pulled away
...I couldn't see my mother.(A Child is so deeply scarred by not having their Mother to nurture them)I would cry myself to sleep nightly,even as an adult,I would think of not having had my mother to raise me and to love me,and I would cry. So it scars you; do not think it does not. I never dared to tell my grandparents how I loved my Mother and wanted to be with her. Didn't dare.(it was an emotional need to be loyal to the grandparents and aunt.)I always asked God,"why didn't our mother come and get us?
*****(I hope a lot of Judges read this...)why men take children away is to punish the wife,and give the kids to their parents,who then abuse them(in most cases that I have heard about.and the biggest reason ,is..so they do not have to pay child support
We would go into crying like tantrums.They were trying to figure out what was wrong with us..then we'd have rashes,nobody ever really knew why..it was from all of the heart break,a child cannot know how to deal with.Then the ("No expressions") and all the lies we learned how to do ,so as not to upset Grandma and auntie..we didn't want to be further upset,best to just try to smile,appear to be happy,and move along with the flow as best we could.Our feelings really didn't matter.
........I learned to read looks,expressions,so I See the emptiness in the eye of the abused child,lost without the mother's love and care.
.....I can tell by the child's down trodden look and even the sound of a certain cry...what is going on with that child...to this very day.I wonder why those who suffered abuse in any way ,do not step forward for that or those children...BUT THE WORLD TODAY.... ,yaaaaaaa.
.....I remember when my father had my brother put away,a young age,maybe around 10,11. How I cried for my brother,That was just the worst.After all,we had each other.and then he was gone.(I have to say,my brother suffered the most every where.
........ We were abused by the Grandmother and Aunt, we would both get the razor strap from our grandmother,and then when the Aunt would come home from work,the grandmother would tell the aunt whatever it was that we supposedly did,and one by one,she would take us in the bedroom, we would get the razor strap again.
**Well, we wore black & blue welps from the razor strap all the time.
****from talking with others,many are just scarred by not being with their Mother all the time,and they will not tell it,for fear of breaking loyalty,it is an emotional game..I remember that too.
...... We were never taught anything by them. They never said , I love you,or you are pretty, nor even a hug.
In many cases today,I see and hear where they just buy the child just about whatever the child wants,(My aunt did this with me too,everything I ever asked for or wanted,which I gave all away when I ran away from them.Things do not matter,things are just that (Things)I heard a child once say, I am so sad,I asked why? She said,I have everything and there is not one thing I can ask for..I have nothing to hope for anymore..I advised her on the love of God and school work!!!;and give the child freedom to sleep over with a friend,not knowing,what is really happening at the friends house. The Grandchild or neice or nephew will not tell you what happened.
......if we asked about something,we were told to mind our own business,it didn't matter,or something to that effect...I mean;I was doing things children just do not do..Father God taught me how wrong I was doing,not to do those things,and why.
...becoming a young lady (starting the monthly cycle)I was scared to death as the saying goes.My best friend took me home with her and taught me about monthly changes in the female..she gave me some courage to go home and tell .
......As though it were some sort of business deal..my aunt kept a straight face,never said anything,took me into her bedroom,(I thought I was going to get the razor strap)well ,showing to me what I "Needed to know" about how often and cleanliness etc.was all there was to that.I mean;I never knew why the monthly thingy.
......(speaking now of churches..I never even knew what fornication meant until I heard a Preacher on TV teaching about fornication...I was like..Oh My God..I fell to my kneese..I mean I was a young mother. So,even the churches never taught and as far as I know now, they do not teach about sin either
...I will tell you ,fornication means having sex without being married (1Cor.6:9,10)it is an abomination to God..what is abominations? well, if you do not hear,believe,repent(Luke13:3),confess(1John1:9,10),you will end up in hell.(Luke13:3 is repenting,turning away from the sin to God.(When we confess sins to Father God is acknowledging in our hearts and in Godly sorrow telling them to God asking for His forgiveness.)
....... So,God made it a point that I heard that certain preacher on that certain day & hour.(BTW,repenting ,means you will not ever go back and commit that sin again(abomination to God)
.......Just an example,how we were taught nothing. We were not ever taught in school or by parenting about how one conceived.
.......where we were sent to live once they felt they couldn't give us the razor strap anymore,with another aunt
...my best friends there taught me a lot of personal things as well....my best friend could not ever spend the night with me, but I could spend the night with her..we never knew why...I Had a crush on the police officer's son,he liked me too...I was not allowed to see him(never knew why)see,even that aunt never really taught anything, there was never an understanding for anything whatsoever. so ,I was punished in the back yard,ya,15 and could not leave the back YARD because of my crush on the cop's son.(I see now,they feared I would find out what had happened to his sister,and my best friend)what my uncle had done.
*******what a revelation*****
...... way back in 1997,my best friend told me why she could not ever spend the night..my uncle had exposed himself in the huge bay window in front of the cop's daughter...(who also was one of my best friends)well,*****when my best friend told me this, I wanted to die...because now I understood finally all the hush hush there,punishments from my friends(having to polish silverware etc.) and not understanding why I couldn't go roller skating or Ice skating ,Bike riding etc...and why I couldn't date the cop's son
...well surprise ,I found out as an adult why.
...I was so terribly hurt..I put myself in my closet,closed the door,pressed my face against the wall and cried it all out to Father God..I felt so embarassed,words can't describe this ,so I will not attempt to do so
.....through all of this,I not only was 100% average student..but by the grace of God My Father,(I know now) I was also the most popular and best dressed.Now I can look back and see,why all the long stares from teachers and parents of my best friends.Wow huh? ...(I guess they thought (maybe) my uncle had mollested me? or perhaps would mollest their daughter.....point is,my best friends were indeed as sisters to me,teaching me a whole lot of things having to do with life.
......Father God guided me all the way through..and well..ofcourse after all of this..I spread my wings and boy oh boy did I fly,talk about freedom...This is where I had more then a few brushes with death
.....Yes.God allows us to choose...I never realized I was sinning against God..this is how crafty the devil is...you do not see it coming,you do not realize you are in it...yet I was always spared!! Always kept safe!! As I look back now..I can see God was right there with me all the time,
......He told me,even though you made your bed in hell, I was there with you...I asked God ,when was I in hell? The drinking and dancing,cussing(sin) etc.He said,He never left me,and He will not ever leave me or forsake me.(So ,when we sin,we walk with the devil and are really in hell,not in God's Kingdom
....you know,to this day,when I go to Father God in prayer with tears and all..God is always right there with me,and God takes the pain and sorrow from me,making it as though it never really happened at all.......what an awesome God...
.....***I wanted to add this,because of the part in the song of long last looks,closing the books,leaving my best friend....I have to tell you,after my best friend gave to me that revelation..I never called her again
......Our Father abused us as well.Point is we never were taught anything,children were to be seen & not heard.
..........My First Child..........
I remember when I had my very first child,as I held that child and prayed for the child,promising God that I would not EVER abuse the child or children that He gave to me to care for,never would there be abuse in anyway,that I would do the best I could with His guidance.
.........I was not the best mother,even though I thought that I was ,I thought I was the best mother in the world...but I admit, I didn't know how to teach all things,so I failed in teaching (one part )
.......BUT GOD...came to me in my sleep,chastising me..I will not ever forget this,EVER. He was everywhere,all over ,not from any one point..bright flashing blinding light where I was covering my eyes and His voice was so loud,I was plugging my ears,just begging Him to stop..I had to memorize a lot of scriptures for the children and myself ,Father God would not stop until I repeated them all back to Him.
......... You want to know ,what did I do?.....,my children were stealing..I was working and going to school ,and I just didn't know to correct them , ..actually ,I didn't at that time ,have the time nor did I want to be bothered.I guess I figured (as I was raised) they would learn also from Father God!!...Everyone,this is so wrong...(Each Person has their own individual walk and relationship with Father God) Parents Love and Teach your OWN Children.but you can't do it without Father God.
....... When I woke up in the morning,with the Power of God I was pushed out of bed,I called the children to the kitchen table,and I told them every single word God had spoken to me,and as God instructed me to do , I read the scriptures to my children...as far as I know,they never stole again .What an awesome God,,let me tell you,once you are chastised by God, you do not ever want that to happen again...Ever..so you see,God even taught me as I went; with my children...He never left me
....Ever.and I loved my children so very much,and always will...so indirectly... ,they too were raised under My "instruction & direction from God"!!To This very day,God still corrects and instructs me,Glory be to His Holy Name.
***So,Father God actually raised me up,that is the truth..He taught me all I know,corrected me..Father God alone taught me right from wrong;I could write a Book of all the things God pulled me from and taught me ,right from wrong.I must add,some very strong lessons had to be learned,in a difficult way..But God is awesome.
......God still teaches to me many things!!!
....God alone brought me from crayons to perfume and to where I am now and to who I am now. Only God and He alone deserves all the Glory,Honor and praise,my loyalty is to Father God alone thru Christ & by His Spirit.
......We have no good memories from child hood at all. We had no real child hood.
*****even when having fun with friends,when we went home,the emptiness would surface in our hearts for our mother.
**** We rebelled the razor strap one day,just couldn't take another blow with the razor strap.Word was,"we can't handle them anymore,they are out of hand"
........So,we were sent to live with another aunt at ages 13 & 15**..So,here was another kind of abuse.my friends would want me to go bike riding or roller skating and I always had to polish silver ware instead,bake cakes and clean,oh yes and get locked in our rooms for whatever we said or did wrong.There were Other awful things not to be mentioned on here,I was slapped across my face so hard, by my aunt,I wore her hand print for a few days;for saying I never wanted a baby.She also tried rubbing my nose on the rug as there was a pepsi ring on the rug..I fought her off..
....My brother was made to go into the army,and I ran away from them at age 15 to live with my father in another city;where I finished school,Business school and some college.
******* I have to add on,God carried me all the way...I almost died 4 times and did die once,and The Lord brought me back.
..... Right to this day,The Spirit of the Lord will talk in an audible voice to me,if I am upset,crying,lost (directions in driving)etc.
....So,you can understand why I come to love this song so much along with the movie as well...because the truth is
....**..I loved school,I was an A student,played clarinet and won all the solo contests,everywhere I was sent!!(despite the abuse)Leaving school was the hardest thing ever to do,leaving my best friends ,Christine,Dianna,Patty,Janie to mention a few and all my favorite teachers.After all;that is where I was safe from abuse,and had the seemed like care and attention from teachers,and ofcourse I had my friends..doing the school work,I didn't have to think.Laughing with my friends,lifted a lot of the pain and sorrow.
*******God has my heart completely 100% I have given my entire self to Father God..He is the one who was always there for me,directing me,teaching me,correcting me and saving me from even death and His endless comforting of my soul,what an awesome God!!
.........the death of my only son,my baby at age 22.........
The Lord appeared to me often in dreams,wooooing me back to Him,showing me things,telling me things,but I just walked on...sin is a hard controling spirit of the devil...So,One night in a vision,the Lord appeared all in white,white bible,"a very sad face",as though reading from the bible,said :Now is the time you will have a son" I cried begging Him no,another child could not be afforded.(paraphrasing all of this to as small as possible.)I did have that son,he was manic depressed,I never understood the disease..he found out in late teens...long story short..he ended up moving to Arizona with his fiance' ,there is where he got off his meds and took his own life...
..........as the police came to my door telling me this,I nearly died myself..the pain is the worse pain in God's World,Soul pain..I fell onto my face before God,sobbing,confessing,repenting...and redidicated my life back onto Father God...Only God got me through this.
*****I am a Nabi Prophet(ess) used of God...I know in my spirit,I would not turn back to Father God 100% ,so God indeed allowed this to happen to my son...that is why the Lord appeared to me in my sleep announcing that I would have a boy.In Plain english(worldly talk...that was the ace in God's pocket to get me back to where I belonged
.....had I been walking with Father God fully repented & confessed & forgiven,cleansed from all unrighteousness,God would have spared my son.(BTW) my son loved the Lord with all of his heart soul * and mind
...God never judges the mind..satan gets hold of the mind,and he pushed my son over the edge...The Lord appeared with my son to me in my sleep...this is another story..but maybe the devil pushed him,but God caught him
.......The lord tells us,He will not lose one the Father has given to Him nor can the devil snatch one from the Father's hand..only the heart is judged...remember this.
*****This is what God allowed to happen to me,to get me back unto Him...you say what about choice and free will? Well, I didn't have to turn back to God...I could have kept going in my worldly walk with the devil.
**** Father God is the Teacher,the Only One who brought me from crayons to perfume. !! to who I am today and to where I am today...what can I ever do to thank Him?..........
**** Nothing,but to give to Father God,**my heart and complete life...to do His Will always. I belong to God.**I Love Father God.
*** I received Christ into my heart as Lord and Savior at age 11,it has been a journey..and God is always right there with me and for me,and I am yielded to Him 100%.
***Now,you can part way understand why I so love "To Sir (God) With Love" Joan Rogers......God's Oracle.
... I could go into details about the abuse..but many have shared their stories with me of their abuse..and mine next to theirs seems like nothing..even though it was a living painful,lonely nightmare of getting the razor strap.Just not wanted..But God
..there were things not even worthy of telling ,I will not give the devil the satisfaction on here.
****The hardest thing to do was running away,leaving my best friends,and teachers and never looking back.
.....My friends always told me,you are the only one I have ever known to fall in the mud; ofcourse,said differently..and come back up smelling like a rose.(God always picked me up!brushed me off and ,moved me along).
....I find myself wondering quite often..if anybody else experienced being taught and corrected by God? Because the parents or relatives or Foster parents were abusive,and just never taught you anything at all,except to snip beans,husk corn and do dishes and clean.
******* I am so thankful to God for Correcting me and teaching me and loving me..and I am still and always will be in God's Care.
...... I am also Thankful for my grandmother raising me,yes ofcourse,I forgive them.....she quit the Catholic Religion and joined the Assembly of God Church
....So; my brother and I went to church; me age 2 my brother age 4; every sunday morning and evening,and for this I am so happy and thankful,I have always known Father God Thru My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by His Spirit and shed Blood.
****We received Christ at a young age (11 & 13)were baptized and received the baptism of the Holy Spirit of tongues with interpretation.
*******All of my Love,loyalty and gratitude,honor and praise Belongs to Father God alone."To Sir(God) With Love"
****Father God is saying right now,many out there hate their parents,be careful says the Lord,Honor Thy Father and Mother so thy days may be long on the earth.
....Forgive them says the Lord and give it to Me says the Lord..as you make your mother and or father look bad,causing them sorrows and division from others..you come against Me says the Lord;I know says the Lord your God,you were treated as an animal,broken bones,terrible things says the Lord your God..I was right there with you,and I will bring you through if you will allow Me says the Lord your God.
..maybe they have repented says the Lord,maybe they are under My Blood says the Lord,and whatsoever you say or do unto one of My Own,you will suffer great sorrows ,pain and sicknes' You do not need to Like them or the things done unto you,..but love thy neighbor,means everybody,all of My creation,even your abusers,forgive them from your heart,and you will see how quickly I will heal you,says the Lord your God.Forgiving and letting go,is a healing process for you,says the Lord.
..I want that you know says the Lord your God.As you do not forgive others ,even your parents,relatives;whoever it may be..I will not be able to forgive you either.Thus saith the Lord.Let it go says the Lord,Give it to Me,lay it down and lookup unto Me says the Lord your God.I will in no way turn you away.says the Lord your God.
I will add more later. Want to talk? Joanlady777@Yahoo.com